Writing about parenting has got to be the most vulnerable
topic one can take on, so I find myself pressed to preamble any thoughts on
parenting with caveats and disclaimers. But let me try not to belabor the point;
the bottom line is I’m far from a perfect parent. I don’t have this all figured
out, but I have found some principles that have helped me grow into and make
sense of this extremely important role.
Parenting is a huge responsibility, and due to its heft it
can seem large and overwhelming. As with any overwhelming task, the only way
through it is to break it into smaller, manageable pieces. The way this
manifests in my life is to identify the principles and themes that underlie the
thing, and focus my attention there. With an organizing framework in place, I
have a small but diverse set of tools I can draw from to approach any task.
Here is the organizing framework and principles that have helped me make sense
of parenting.
Principle 1: Keep first things first.
As a follower of Christ, I ultimately have only one earthly
task that matters: to make disciples. This is also my only significant task as
a parent. I can raise the most well-behaved, academically successful, and
professionally impressive children, but will have accomplished nothing of
eternal value if I’ve not taught them the gospel.
My foremost task as a parent is to point my children to the
gospel. If they choose to follow Christ, then my one and only job becomes teaching
them to obey everything Christ has commanded (Matthew 28: 20). Christian parenting
ultimately is nothing more and nothing less than disciple-making. If I miss
this, or if I allow it to get buried under other priorities and activities of
parenting (academics, sports, sexual development, even morality and care and
feeding), then I’ve fundamentally failed. Conversely, when this is at the
forefront of everything I do as a parent, it provides the keel that holds together
the entire vessel of parenthood.
On a practical level, I seek to keep myself focused on this
priority by constantly reflecting on this thought: “What is the eternal value
in this?” Any parenting challenge or question that arises, I seek first to ask
and answer that question. For a child that hasn’t yet accepted the gospel,
asking myself that question reminds me to bring that perspective to bear—or at
the very least to ensure that my course of action doesn’t draw them away or distract
them from gospel truth. For a child that is a fellow follower of Christ, that
question and its answer remind me to keep their spiritual development at the center
of everything I seek to input into their lives.
Principle 2: Keep it simple.
One of my favorite statistical tools is the factor analysis.
In the behavioral sciences, this method allows us to take large amounts of
conceptual data and find the common themes that organize and characterize the
information. This philosophy also is how I approach most problem sets. I find
that if I can organize things into just a few practical themes, then it is much
simpler to generate courses of action. To that end, I’ve found that nearly
everything I need to teach my kids in support of Principle 1 reduces to three
areas of focus. These are the three things I can teach them as a parent that
will prepare them to understand the gospel, and once a believer, to live it.
1.
You are a
created, eternal being. There is a lot packed in this idea. Any created
thing has a creator, and all creators leave their mark on their creations. The
theological implications of this are vast, and the opportunities to explore with
my child creator/created relationships between things can be both fun and
significant. Eternity is an abstract concept, especially for small children,
but is important to help them move toward understanding. Once they have a concept
of time, however, the challenge is simply continually expanding their sense of
their future. These opportunities, too, are myriad and often a lot of fun
(e.g., preparing cookie dough and waiting to enjoy it after it bakes, going to
school to prepare for a future occupation, etc.).
2.
Actions
have consequences. This seems self-evident, but drawing this out as a major
theme in parenting has implications not only for responsiveness to the gospel,
but also in basic behavior management. On the discipleship front it sets up
concepts like the need for sin to be punished (as a natural consequence of the
sin). It also provides a way of thinking about discipline that puts the onus
on the child to control their own behavior. This could be its own principle,
but for me it is closely linked with “actions have consequences.” My children
need to learn to manage their own behavior, and allowing the consequences for
their behavior to be as natural as possible is the most efficient way to do
that. If I feel the need to control their behavior, at best I am going to
undermine their natural learning progress, and at worst I am going to be frustrated
to the point that my efforts are liable to stray into abuse. All abuse
ultimately boils down to trying to control the behavior or emotions of another
person. Whether we like it or not, we never really control our children’s
behavior, even when they’re newborns. But we often do control the consequences
of their behavior (or at least control what consequences of their behavior they’ll
actually experience). Often there is an opportunity to allow natural
consequences to take hold, or to highlight the natural consequences that could
have occurred as a result of your child’s behavior. Looking for these
opportunities will lay foundations for important theological understandings
later on, and also will take a lot of pressure off of you to try to control
that which you ultimately cannot control.
3.
Love can
be unconditional. This one, admittedly, is really difficult. The bottom
line is that because I am a fallen human being, my capacity for unconditional love
is limited, and I won’t always get it right. But because of the transformative
work of the Holy Spirit in my life, sometimes God’s perfect love will manifest
through me. Because God’s unconditional love underpins the whole gospel, as
parents we need to double down on any opportunity that arises to demonstrate
unconditional love to our children, and to point it out when we witness it
around us. This one can be tricky to execute in light of our role as
disciplinarians. However, keeping the focus of discipline on the previous
theme, “actions have consequences,” will create much less tension than a
punishment-focused approach. Seeking to model unconditional love, and being transparent and seeking forgiveness when I fail, also creates
conditions of trust and safety that allow for a much more positive teaching
environment.
This is how I’ve made sense of my
role as a parent. Hopefully there is something useful or encouraging for you,
as well.
